In Memory of Pets

I had a rather disturbing dream about my girl. Some of it makes sense, there were bits and pieces that clearly related to recent events but when I relayed it to a friend or two who have a touch of fey, well, I felt bad.

They seemed to think I pulled her back when she was ready to go. I say that if she was truly ready to go she would have went. Nontheless, it's disquieting.

Typically, I am not what you would call a "lucid dreamer", it's usually gobbledy-gook and nonsensical at best.

In my dream I was standing on a dock with the dogs. I was watching a happy group pull away from the dock in a rowboat or canoe. The dogs jumped in the water and I was fine, they like to swim and it's usually safe.

Almost simultaneously, the group in the boat started shouting and rowing back frantically. I distinctly heard "get out of the water". I jumped in and pushed the young one back towards the dock but Nori started to sink. I dove in but couldn't find her.

When I finally felt her fur and had a grasp, I pulled and pulled but didn't seem to have the strength to pull her up. I refused to let her go, even though I felt the pressure and the water pulling her (and me) down. From somewhere, I found it in me and raised her out of the water. I pulled her out and on to the dock. She laid still for a moment and then came to...

That's really all I remember but my friends said she was dying and that I was refusing to let her go. I wouldn't do that to her. I fully understand the life cycle and am resigned to the fact that my time with her is limited AND I do not believe in prolonging the inevitable, at least in my concious mind.

I know this sounds kind of freaky but was wondering if anyone had experienced this sort of thing.

Puzzled, Z

hi Z,

Dreams are there for YOU to interperet, I say this as it is all about what YOU understand and know about you and your situation.

I have to say that often when others start to give you their versions of what this or that means, well.... occassionaly their own agenda will pop up..... if you aren't spending as much time with them as you would without your Nori, if they believe that the care that you are giving is beyond what they believe is 'normal' if they are concerned at the toll that the care and love of that little one is taking on your time, health and financial and emotional resources... then they may bring that unwittingly into their choice of words...

I know that many of my friends were concerned about my spending every possible moment with my little Sammy in his last years and absolutely last month, then days then hours.... I am sure more than one was concerned about my emotional and mental state... but you know what?

I wouldn't have changed the intensity of my time spent with that little guy because I loved him so, and he was my best little friend and companion and I needed him as much as he needed me.... and our time was so limited... it was a blessing to be able to take that time and have it with him....

I would have been more bereft if in fact I hadn't spent that time with him...

However there were those who questioned my actions.. why spend so much time, effort and money on a cat that was dying anyway? "Why not let 'it' just die?"

Seriously... these are the very same people who would think nothing of investing in very expensive cosmetic dodads that offer nothing to the safety of their vehicles.... which are of course 'non-sentient' things.... these people would think nothing of spending thousands and thousands on 'things' .... Well, they have their priorities and I know mine...

Z, From my point of view, in reality and in your dreams, you were simply saving your friend, that you took her back to shore and there she, rallied, well I think this is more of a reflection of what has already passed.... all the taking from the brink and having her a little longer......

I think that when the time comes you will know, and perhaps this is part of the message, last time was not too late, she did rally....

I believe that you have a huge amount of compassion, you have a great understanding and you are also highly intuative....

I do not think that your mind will broadcast to do's to you in your dreams, I believe that you will understand and know when and what is right, when it is right...

Take care Z, and take heart too....

You and your girl Nori are in my thoughts and prayers,

Kerry

Thanks Kerry. That makes sense. I also wanted to add that at least one of the people I told is what I would call "closer to the spirit world" than I, she's a bit of a mystic and that's what distressed me.

z

Z,

It is my hope that you don't become too distressed.... even if this person is closer to the spirit realm it doesn't mean that everything that they say or do is absolutely correct, again, their is interpretations of your dream....the symbolism and it's meaning is yours....

In my heart, I think Nori's time is drawing near, and that you know this and lik so many of us, those 'if only's', 'what if's' are kicking in early because you are so aware of Nori's welfare and the passing of each day...

I am sure you are keeping a vigilant watch over that gorgeous old girl, that you are also aware that you may need at some point, to help her with that final gesture of love, and that you would if it was necessary...

These thought are so strong and so a part of your waking moments that it is no surprise that these same thoughts may come back to you in your sleep...

Perhaps you are running various scenarious of 'rescue' through your sleeping mind, to see what your responces need to be............so that these can help you react better in your waking hours...

I truly feel that if you felt that Nori was a holeless case, that you have given up on the struggle, then your dream efforts to save her would have failed.... but then again... this is my laymans, second hand rendition and may have no credence either........

My dearest Z, when I read your posts, I know that I here the voice of a caring, loving, experienced and compassionate person.... you, I believe, will know what you need to do and if you need to.....

And here is the weirdest part, no matter what you do, how you do it, no matter if you make a coice or nature plays it's card first, no matter what...... you will probably beat yourself up for those decisions made and not made anyway.... because we all do.....

It all seems to be a part of the greiving process.... and they are as inescapable as the tears we shed......

If I was Nori, then I know I would be in the best hands possible...

You and Nori and in my prayers and thoughts,

Kerry

Kerry my Friend,

Thank you, always, for your kindness, compassion and insight.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you described what I was doing. That is, indeed, what is happening for us now, and what the dream meant. I AM preparing myself, no, steeling myself, for the inevitable. The moments when I thought she was dying/dead were almost as excruciating in my dream as they would be in actuality.

But as we speak, she does not seem to suffer. I know the drill, as you say, having been through it before.

I trust my vet and my heart. I'm lucky to have Steven, who loves her as much as I do, and is a wise and loving counsel. She will not suffer for us.

I know it is my obligation to do the right thing for her. It should be no surprise to those who know and love me that they would need to do the same for me, should that come to pass. I have a DNR and so do my animal companions.

I so appreciate your ear at this place in our jouney. I think it is critical for healing that one is surrounded by a family of like minds - who understand and can guide us through these tough places. It only makes us stronger and closer to the thing that makes us fully human.

Thank you for being there for us, and know always that our love and support surrounds you and those you love as you work to make things right for the little ones....

Love, Z

I was looking thru older messages when I noticed this one about your dream. My beloved best friend, Donovan, just passed away about 3 weeks ago. He was sick for a month before his death. Prior to that, he was healthy as far as we knew. About maybe 1-3 months before he became ill, I had two very disturbing dreams about him. In one, I just remember that he had died and I was crying in the dream. I woke up crying and was still upset even after I assured myself that he was sound asleep in his bed next to me. In the second, I dreamt that we had sold our home and for some reason the people who bought it took Donovan away with them and he was in South America. I was crying and in a panic trying to find out where he was. Then in late August he became ill and passed away September 21st. I thought of those dreams and wondered if somehow because of the bond we had, I had a sixth-sense that he was ill or something. I was always spoiling and nuturing him like a mother hen and I knew that when the day came that he left me, I would be devastated and I am!! There is no way to know why I had those dreams and of course if I thought he was ill, I would have done something!

Dear Deneen,

I am so sorry for your recent loss of your Donovan. I hope that you soon have peace and can reflect on your magnificent guy without the searing pain of his loss. Right now, it's just a hard road, three weeks.

I believe that our subconcious minds DO give us information. And that both of our dreams were a tiny window to the future. Though surely, they were not concrete enough for us to act.

Nori is fifteen (and a half) now and she is beginning to struggle. I know that things are going on for her medically - we and her vet agree that at this moment, she is pretty comfortable and happy. I am hoping against hope that things will go easy for her.

At her age, I am concerned that "gung ho" treatment would not be in her best interest so I struggle with the options. The side effects of alot of the meds are worse than the issues they are meant to treat, so I have chosen not to use anything unless absolutely necessary (she had HORRIBLE side effects - including seizures from meds for "pain").

We only do what we can, and hope for the best.

Take good care of yourself during this difficult time, friend. Your Donovan wants you to be okay!

Sharon

p.s. Did you post a tribute to Donovan? If so, I would love to read it, let us know where it is. During the summer, Kerry and Sunlizard moved Nori's tribute here. It's called "The Wrong Dog".

Sharon,

yes, I posted a tribute and a candle tribute to him. Just do a search under the name Donovan. There are only a few Donovans there and my name is there as owner and so is my husband (Jerry). I wrote a letter to him as a tribute. I had so many things I wanted to say to him again and again! I agree about all the meds. While Donovan was sick, I had many pills I had to give and I felt like I was poisoning him. I feel guilty, but I was following what the vet said and I wanted him to get better. You are SO lucky to still have your baby after 15 years!! I only wish I had my baby longer than 7 short years. It was unfair to him and us too. Thanks for your support. This is just so hard!!

Dear Deneen,

This will be short, I'm at a loss for words after reading your tribute to our friend Donovan.

A Belgian Malanois (sp), the prettiest and most loyal, I was actually imagining a Belgian Shepherd (or do I have the breeds all screwy, sorry). My friend actually raises your boy's type, I should know better, as soon as I saw him, I knew.

God, now I can say without relying on my mind's eye, an incredibly beautiful boy- so blessed you were and I am so sorry for the void he left...

but he left magic too.

Your pefect little boy was so, so, so lucky to have landed in the lap and the love of your family, he had what was coming to him - bliss.

And he had a Jessica! (we do too!)

Take Care Deneen and know that we as loving, respectful and responsible friends to our animal companions do everything we can, and in the end, we shoulder the pain because we wouldn't trade knowing them for the pain we feel today... we would do it forever, for love.

Z

Z,

Belgian Malinois and Shepherds are one in the same, just a different way to say them. You are right, I would never trade the pain I feel now for the love, joy and friendship he gave me, my family and any friend that was lucky enough to know him!! He was perfect and awesome, just a wonderful spirit in a dog's body!! The void is so vast that I feel as though part of me has actually died as well. He was lucky and so were we, I think he was meant to be in our family!! Thanks for looking at his tribute, that means alot.

Deneen

Hi Deneen ,

A part of you did die with him and oh, yeah, he was definitely meant to be with you and your family. Uncanny how the fates align sometimes like that. Someday,you won't hurt so much but for now, I'm sorry...

He sounds like such a magnificent dog. You're so lucky...

Even though I have a veritable pack of animals here, I still miss my sweet friend Milo terribly sometimes.

He'll be gone two years now in February. (He has a tribute page too, I wish I knew the number but I think he's one of the few Gordon Setters). His tribute really says it all really. We were forever for twelve years. He was one of my best friends. The sweetest face, a rather timid nature but with us though, he was a happy, playful clown dog. Kind of naughty too...

We had a wonderful life together. I'm so grateful that I got to have him in my life.

I used to walk with two big dogs, one on either side. After he died, I was positively unbalanced - I could feel the void that was there in his place, it was hard.

Sigh. We know how you feel .

Take Care,
Z

Z,

I have had cats and dogs all of my life as a child, Donovan was the only one as an adult, married woman. We raised him along with our two kids. We used to walk at the park everyday, but I have not been to the park since he first got sick. I have not been able to face it. I plan to go this weekend with my husband. I guess it is a tribute to Donovan to go to the places we loved together. I will look for Milo's tribute. They are all so special, each in a different way. Donovan did some crazy things too. He would lay on his bed and turn his head upside down and then open his mouth and bare his teeth. He looked crazy so we started saying he had rabies and it became kind of a game to him. The more we laughed and said "you have rabies", the more he would do it. Thanks again Z.
Deneen