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lost without my baby

Posted By: sandra stewardson (1Cust23.tnt1.chatham.on.da.uu.net )
Date: Wednesday, 23 July 2003, at 9:28 a.m.

I have loved and lost. I had my baby brandy for 14 years and lost him to bad health, cancer,age and alot of other factors. I had to deal with setting him free and now live with the guilt of this all the time. Some days are good and others are so bad it feels like someone ripped out my heart. Brandy was sent to the bridge jan 30,2003 and it has been 22 weeks this week. We spent every day together inseperable for 12 long loving years, and he even filled the void when our daughter moved out 4 years ago to seek a life for herslef. So then it was clear he was my baby and wouldn't leave me for anything and then we were so close I almost backed out of this dreadful decision to set him free. I was being selfish and wanted to keep him here but had to sit and think "do I want to spend the rest of my life suffering in pain unable to move go to the restrrom and alot of other issues." I finally said to my husband I cannot do this to my baby and now the guilt for this is terrible some days,and we had him cremated and his pictures all over the house but its not the same as all the nuisance things he used to do. Now more thean anything I miss those days and loved him sooooooooooooooooooo much but cannot bring myself to go there again for the fear of this again. To anyone out there who has been there you know how hard this is and can only say the memories of this are going to fade I hope one day and replace them with all the good times we shared with our babies. I light my brandys' candle today to relfect another week without him and honor his memory as I do my mom who left this earth also 29 months ago to cancer too. It isnt fair what life offers us and with no way out at times. It just bothers me how life is chosen for us and no one knows til its their time what fate has in store for all of us. Thank you to all who have wrote to me for the last 22 weeks and this site. It is wonderful and very much appreciated for a place to grieve over our kids and share the memories we have of them.
sincerely
sandra{brandy}-jan30,2003

Messages In This Thread

lost without my baby
sandra stewardson (1Cust23.tnt1.chatham.on.da.uu.net ) -- Wednesday, 23 July 2003, at 9:28 a.m.
Re: lost without my baby
Jennifer (0-1pool56-107.nas17.oakbrook1.il.us.da.qwest.net )